Dear Men In Truck Who Were Holding Up Traffic,
Thanks so much for leaving your car sitting in the middle of the highway. I really appreciated sitting in stop and go traffic for 25 minutes. I'm really sorry your car died (believe me, I've probably had some of the worst cars on earth and I know how you feel), but there were 5 of you. Couldn't you have pushed it off to the side of the road? Or were you enjoying watching all the rush hour commuters curse while you made an already-crappy commute even worse?
Dear North Carolina,
Your soil sucks. I want something in my yard. Something green. Even if it's just weeds. Since we have dogs and settling for AstroTurf isn't an option, anything you have to offer besides clay would be great.
Work on it,
Dear Lawn Care Company,
Thanks for leaving the gate wide open. Did the thought ever occur to you that we have all of our gates double-latched for a reason? Perhaps it's because of our 2 dogs. Our 2 dogs who had quite an adventure yesterday wandering around the neighborhood. Also, it's hard to take you seriously when the name of your company reminds me of a certain drug and a certain Ludacris lyric.
You might want to rethink that,
Dear Weather Gods,
Seriously, the drought is getting old. I am generally not the type of person who wastes money or water on behalf of my lawn. However, our lawn care company has informed us we will never have anything green if we don't have "standing puddles" to get the grass seed started. So, if you could help us out, we'd really appreciate it.
Dear Previous Owners of Our House,
You were pretty crappy landscapers. I'm sorry, but you were. We knew what we were getting into when we bought the house, but some things you did really just baffle me. Thanks for planting a holly bush right next to the water spigot. It turns a normally mundane task into a fun game of "How Many Red Scratches Can I Get On My Arms Today?"
Thanks for thinking that through,